morning sadness.

angry, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, confused (obviously REALLY confused, since i listed it twice), not comprehending, not liking, neglected, hurt, pushed away...i dont get it

i go back and forth from being just full out upset to understanding/angry at the neglect. all in all im not happy. im not content. ive gone to bed crying the last two days and waking up with a heart too heavy and a mind too busy at work trying to piece this all together.

i was taken back to two years ago, the feeling, the reasons, the neglect...it hurt. you gave me no reason for five days...i was simply supposed to understand your absence and your rushing me off the phone. i didnt. and i dont understand why you didnt come to me sooner. you tell me everything else, but this you just let it remain a question mark.

my cousin had a good quote in her away the other day, something along the lines of "youre never going to find someone who doesnt hurt you, so make sure hes worth the pain" i dont remember exactly. but i have no problem with minor roadblocks. but NOT communicating, oh i dont know..that seems to be a rather large one.

he thinks im overreacting and probably insensitive. i can hear it in the way he says "baby dont be like that" "baby stop". but in actualitiy thats not the case. im proud and happy for him, very excited... but i knew this day would come, i even mentioned it several times. he assured me all would be well...and now its not, and i all want to do is curl up in a ball when i think of him because we dont talk and he doesnt respond to me.


what a combo.
i hate how life tricks you into thinking its quite peachy.
if anyone or any factor is to assume the role of 'insensitive' it surely should be life itself.
fuck it.