"chasing pavements" -- adele

just have some things to get off my chest.

i am an emotional person yes. i am a bit dramatic. im honest with myself, up until a certain point. i will bottle my emotions and cry myself to sleep every night just so that to others, my pride is intact. pride. what a word it is. the things ive done and havent done because of it. anyways, many honest feelings i have or are exposed to people, usually shock them. i dont come off as sensitive, emotional, or extremely affectionate when i first meet people or even into our friendship. there has to be something that provokes me, something that disturbs, angers, frustrates, saddens me beyond belief...then, then youll see me for who i am -- flaws and all, literally.



so when i do have a problem. i dont shout it to the world. i dont text everyone i grew up with and update them on the shattered state of my life. ive never gotten down like that. if anything, as i grow up i becomre more closed off and selective on the people i allow in my life and trust with my feelings. i have a good five who i could talk to day in and day out, and even fewer know my whole life story. but when i have a problem, i usually keep it to myself. i allow myself to reach the breaking point, the point where i have no control and am physically/emotionally unable to deal or solve the problem on my own.

for months now i have sat in my room, depressed. unable to cope with my life, the figures and the circumstances. i kept this to myself, though if you know me...im not one to stay inside and do nothing for more than a couple of days. im bubbly, energetic, i enjoy being with friends, family, and my boyfriend. i love going to the museum, the movies, ICE CREAM, volunteering my time, listening to music, going to parties. recently i havent been like this at all. it makes me sad to think ive allowed myself to get to this point.

enough about that....but it frustrates me how the people id expect to understand my change the most. my unhappiness, my discomfort and sadness... they dont. they hear me. they listen. but they fail to understand or at least put there feet in MY shoes. take steps, walk, run, and leap, in my size 8.5shoes. they usually remain overly optimistic. and while thats fine and dandy...ive tried...ive tried for over 6months. i feel like exposing my emotions just makes me look like a fool. so its back to me and my blog.

perhaps its because i dont open up completely to many, id expect them to understand what im saying...maybe im wrong. maybe i expect too much? idk.

maybe shes right, going to france will give me new insight into all of this, esp my feelings.

i hope so, because i miss me.